theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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