How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
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