girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
