meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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