Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Randomize
