Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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