I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
