He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
