I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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