i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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