I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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