I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
