There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The Olympian is in my bed
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
