I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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