I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Boobs are out for the taking
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
