i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
