Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
