Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
