He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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