guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
