My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
