i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
