I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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