So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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