My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize