I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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