I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
