So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize