I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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