Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize