apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
