Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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