I hope mine doesn't look like that
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
