Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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