That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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