Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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