theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
