you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My vagina just clenched in fear
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
