I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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