after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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