He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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