I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize