Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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