Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
