Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
