I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
