just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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