I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
