i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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