he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
