i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
