meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
