Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
