Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
