tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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