Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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