I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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