dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
