that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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